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Some days I have to give myself a pep talk

This morning I sat and cried a little bit. Everyone needs a good cry every now and then, and the past two years have really taken it out of me.  I am not one who is a pretty crier.  I am not someone who likes people to see me cry, most of the time I don't even want to admit that I have ever cried.  I don't know why that is, I guess I always want people to think that life is good.  I want to be someone who is always positive and brings people up instead of down.  With that being said, I think something needs to be talked about.  Being a mom is hard.  Being an aspiring illustrator is hard. Life is hard. I know it is a little cliche, but it is true.

I feel like I haven't had break in more than a year.  I am sleep deprived, malnourished, and exhausted.  I feel like I am constantly sprinting, but I never really catch up.  I know I am not the only mother who feels this way, but I think that there are a whole new set of issues that come up for artists.  I have an endless list of house chores and projects around the house, normal baby duties, and on top of that I desperately want to work on artwork.  I feel guilty if I don't play with my daughter enough, or spend time with my husband and then I feel guilty if I don't work on my art enough.

 I want so badly to succeed.  I want my art work to be something that others enjoy.  I want my artwork to uplift and help people have hope. I want to improve my craft and create beautiful things.  I want to have a following on social media, I want to have fans, and I want to do well.

I think part of the reason I want to succeed is for all the people that support me and are cheering me on.  I want them to feel validated in supporting me.  I also want to do well because of all the people who said that I can't and won't succeed.  I had a professor in college tell me that I wasn't worth his time, and that I wouldn't amount to anything.  That was soul crushing, but I have always wanted to prove him wrong.  I wanted to go back to that school and show him that I am a real artist and I did well in spite of his hurtful words.

I always think that if I just work a little bit harder then things will get easier.  I think it will get easier in the end.  I am a true believer in hard work, but sometimes it is difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I went to Spectrum Art Live a couple of weeks ago, and IT WAS AWESOME.  I met some amazing people, I saw amazing work, and I had some great portfolio reviews.  During my portfolio review with Lauren Panepinto she told me that other new moms felt overwhelmed and behind.  She said not to get down on myself and to do the best I can.  I really appreciated that advice.  I don't think she was very interested in my work, but I am very grateful for those words of encouragement that she gave me that day.

During the convention there was a lot of talk about women in the art world.  I could over relate to a lot of the things that were said. They talked about the pressures that we face, and how women are scared to promote themselves.  How we have a hard time with imposter syndrome, and how we have a hard time balancing family life and art sometimes.  They also talked about how we care to much about things that we don't need to. I think that all of these issues need to be talked about.  Everyone is facing their own battles.  Everyone is trying so hard to do well.  We can do it ladies, but we need to stand by each other and support each other.

I feel like the last year has hard and wonderful at the same time.  I feel like having a baby has been great.  She has pushed me and helped me grow.  I love her with all my heart.  I think that if I could go back in time, or give any advice to recent moms or moms to be I would say give yourself some slack.  Give yourself a break.  If I could go back to last year, I would stay in bed for a month.  I would cuddle my little girl and not worry about getting back into the swing of things right away.  I went to the mall and to Costco the day I got out of the hospital. I went to church the Sunday after I had given birth. Don't do that. Just relax and go into hibernation for a little while.  I felt like I had to go back to normal right after having her.  You can't go back to normal.  Your life has changed forever.  After you start to feel like a human being again, you can start to work on things again.  I wish I had taken more of a break after I had my baby girl, and I need to start taking time for myself more often.

This morning while I sat there overwhelmed and frustrated with a grumpy baby refusing to take a nap, I cried a little bit and then gave myself a little pep talk.  I am okay.  I am not perfect, no one knows who I am, and my art career is just starting off.  I am not the best mom in the world, but I sure try.  My house isn't sparkling clean everyday, but my kid is happy, my husband is happy, and I am happy.  I like who I am.  All I can do is make steady forward progress.

After all of those random thoughts, here is the painting I did this week.  It is a redo of an old painting  that I did a couple of years ago (steady forward progress right?!) .  My husband modeled for me.  He is such a wonderful, hardworking man.  He has always supported me in everything that I do. Even though he works full time and goes to school full time, he has always had time for our baby girl and myself. Love him!

Being a Mommy and an Artist

Since I have had Indie a ton of people have asked me how I do it (meaning doing art and taking care of a baby).  The first time I was asked that question I was kind of caught off guard, because in my mind I was never going to just stop doing art or creating things ever.  I had never even thought about slowing down unless I was in some sort of horrible accident and was unable to create anymore.

I am not going to pretend like I am super mom or anything.... 'cause that would be a total lie.  I am definitely not and I definitely don't have as much time to work on things as I would like to.  I also have the frustration of getting into the "zone" while working and then being interrupted by crying because I need to feed/change/put Indie to sleep/etc.  

I think that one of my secret weapons is Nathaniel.  He is so supportive and even though he works hard all day at a 9 to 5 job, he comes home and watches the baby for me so that I can focus.  I also, take full advantage of nap time, swing time, and excersaucer time.  I think what it all boils down to is that I have had to learn how to adapt.  I have had to learn how to work during  frequent short time periods throughout the day.  

Something that is a little embarressing is that I don't always keep up with all the house work. I try to throw in a load of laundry or do a little cleaning project before I start working on art stuff, but I really want to devote most of my time to working on art work.  I have really had to learn to balance things and decide what is important.  I think too many of us feel like we have to have a pinterest perfect house- always clean organized, be super in shape, have a beautifully behaved baby, and still work.  It is impossible and you will make yourself crazy.  Just chill out.  You have to balance. When I am deeply into a project other things slide sometimes, but that is okay. 

With all of that being said I would like to introduce you to my latest piece! I painted it for the current art order challenge.  I had to incorporate tribal jewelry, petticoats, a bull whip, and tattoos. I call her Lilah. I am pretty happy with how it turned out! The Oatley Academy has really helped me improve my digital skills- I can't recommend it enough!

Here are some progress pictures.   I start with a pencil drawing, and I finalize the lines in photoshop.

Then, I block in the color.

I slowly add details and shadows.

I just keep working with everything until I get it just how I like it.

 

 I am pretty happy with how it turned out! The Oatley Academy has really helped me improve my digital skills- I can't recommend it enough!